Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
