i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
