i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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