You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
