When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
