Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
