i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
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I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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