You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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