While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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