after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
