you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
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I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
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my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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