i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
