textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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