He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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