Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
