The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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