Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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