Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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