Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
