Swine flu. Run for my life!
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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