sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
