so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Randomize
