I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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