we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
