I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
