Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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