Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
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Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
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Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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