i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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