before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
