I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
And then he peed in my hair
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
