Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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