i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
