i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
