Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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