So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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