Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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