I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
