Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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