my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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