What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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