the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
