dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
