who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
