I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
