Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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