This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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