i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
