Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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