he told me I talked like a deaf person
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
