Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
