i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
