Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
