i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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