I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
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I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
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Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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