I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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