She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
