Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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