what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.