I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.