he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
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What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
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I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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