Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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